Pet Loss Library
When an animal loved one dies
Continued
In her book, Animals: Our Return to Wholeness, Smith writes,
Loss is the tearing from that which you are so in love. Staying inthe loss is hell. Coming through the pain brings a compassion so deep and rapture so ardent, you know it can only be won by the contrast--going through the depths to feel the heights.
As I tried going forward, the stabs of grief and their forcefulness often surprised me, even several months later. But as they came less and less frequently, I knew I was beginning to heal.
The Path to Healing
I asked Smith for ways to ease the pain of grieving. She stresses the importance of accepting your feelings. "Don't try to rush the process. Don't deny your feelings. Don't minimize them. Love is love. Grief is grief." No matter for whom it is felt. She reminds us that animals are not lesser beings. We are all spiritual beings with form and purpose. She also recommends getting into a support group. You can meet with others who are struggling with their pets' deaths and it will normalize your own feelings. I had a male friend who confessed in bewildered amazement that he'd gone into therapy after his dog died. He had survived his divorce and relatives' deaths, but losing his beloved Claude had driven him to the therapist's couch. I know from experience that it's not healthy to let the grief accumulate inside you. It will find a way out in the form of physical aches or illnesses if left unexpressed.
When I spoke with Smith, I was eager for her to reveal ways to contact animals that have departed. She encourages making contact, saying, "Animals are spiritual beings. They love to communicate; most communications reveal their joy, love of life, patience, and generally refreshing perceptions."
Sit in a quiet place. Visualize your animal. See them as they were in life. Tell them you would like to feel them, to communicate with them. Tell them you are hurting, you are open, and you want to be in touch. You may not feel them right away. There are lots of ways to be contacted. You may be washing dishes later and you'll know they are right beside you. Or you'll hear them scratch at the door. If you invite them, they will make their presence felt. Often they visit in dreams, as do living animals, because we are most accessible during those times. When you awake, trust what you get and ask what you are supposed to learn from it.
Sasha and Rosie come and go in my dreams, reassuring me they are happy and carefree and whole. Alex comes with them, he comes alone, and he comes with other Weimaraner pals. He visits often. At Christmas, they all showed up with golden halos, howling and singing and flying around, showing off their wings and airborne abilities. Sometimes my brother Robert runs with them, freed at last from his wheelchair in life.
About a year after the deaths, while I was rebuilding my pet family, I had a dream about a little female cat that needed saving. So strong was the pull, I got up the next morning and headed straight for the pound. There she was, a fluffy little Siamese-mix kitten, pushing her paws through the cage to touch me. I felt an instant connection to her and knew she was meant to be mine. My daughter named her Phoebe. Smith talks of her being beckoned to pet stores and finding an animal that was calling to her. She tells of the lizard that literally hopped in the box to go home with her when his cage was opened. Animals have their own life path and spiritual course, just like we do. Smith explains, "Some animals don't want to be saved. Dying gets complicated for domesticated animals when they or their people do not want to let go of their life together. They may feel obligated to stay in their worn-out or mal-functioning bodies for their people's sake." She advises seeking the best treatment, then being ready to let go. We grapple today with whether or not to extend human life at all costs. Many people have "Do-Not-Resuscitate" orders for themselves, yet cannot do the same for their animals. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to let them go.
Often a family's first encounter with death is that of a pet's. Animals teach us how to deal with life's passing. I believe my animals died in the order they did to help me manage the grieving process, and I am very grateful to them for their wisdom and sacrifice.
Smith also talks about people who feel they've let their animals down because they weren't with them at the exact moment they left this world. She feels that some can't leave while their humans are hovering, and they need space to pass on. "It is very common for animals, like people, to die when everyone leaves them alone," Smith says. According to her, it's not unusual for some animals to die in order to follow their person to the other side. I am reminded of a friend who lost his wife to cancer and within three months of her death, their dog and two cats died too.
Some people will be ready to get a new animal right away; others may need a lot more recovery time before they are willing to risk their hearts again. Some may feel disloyal for "replacing" the pet that died. I knew I needed to fill my empty arms immediately, but I questioned getting another dog since Alex's loss had been so profound. I've heard many pet owners proclaim they'd never love another pet the way they had loved the one they'd lost.
Since I had sold my home and was living in a place with no yard, a dog was temporarily out of the question. And so my daughter and I began our new family with two Siamese kitten cousins, Willyum and Shadow, in addition to Phoebe. Having these new little beings to love was very healing. Still I longed for a dog. I couldn't pass one on the street without stopping. And so as soon as I could, I moved us again into a house and we got our beautiful Vizsla puppy named Cecil.
Cecil picked my daughter and me. When we went to see the puppies, which were just two weeks old, this little guy wiggled out of the heap, his eyes still closed, and wobbled toward us. He reached out with his tiny paw until he found our fingers. He came running to us each week that we visited him, until we could bring him home. He knew we were his. Now I have velvet ears to kiss and puppy fur to sniff again. He reminds me of Alex every day. For awhile, my daughter was convinced he was Alex. She would look at the new animals wondering if the old ones were somehow inside them. Smith feels that many companion animals do, in fact, return to their people. Some within weeks, others take years. I asked her how one would know if an animal has reincarnated and she said the new pet would show signs, like imitating habits or demonstrating preferences of the former pet. You may think an animal has come back, but he could be a new soul who is a lot like the one you lost, who has been sent to help you in the same way his predecessor did. "Wait and trust. The universe will provide," affirms Smith.
Part of the inherent contract we make with our animals is that we will take care of them and they will predecease us. Once I experienced the death of my pets, I realized I could survive it. As painful as it was, I knew I could endure it again. That freedom in knowing releases me to welcome new pets and receive all the joy their new lives bring. Smith offers hope to those of you whose grief is lingering; "Death is not the end. It is the change from one realm and form of life to another." Amen.
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